Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Please Stop Calling me Fat

In India and Nepal, people love to call me “big” and “fat.”  They are not able to differentiate between fit and fat so they just used the word fat constantly.  Suffering from body image issues for many years, I have difficulty hearing these words.  I am mindful that they do not know any better and are unaware of how hurtful this can be, especially to an American girl. 
In the past, I would respond in such a defensive manner, but working on myself I have learned to respond in an appropriate manner.  Laughter, education, patience, understanding, letting go, and securing my sense of self without physical appearance being important.
With this said, I still am partially internalizing these comments.  When I do not hear anything about my body, I am in a more content, secure state.  The comments are what trigger me to then start analyzing how I look and where my extra weight lies. When I get on the motor bike and my friend says, “Wow you’re heavy.” When a friend grabs my arm and says, “Wow that is big.” When someone says you look Nepali, “Your face is big like Nepali.”  One can make attempts to just cope in healthy ways through laughter and writing, but it is difficult for my unconscious to not internalize it. 

In reality, I have gained weight(not a large amount by any means), but not as toned as my body when I originially started back in Thailand six months ago. I came from the US where I was on a super health routine-my running, yoga, and eating all controlled the way I wanted it to be. Not being able to make my own meals and have the control over my food is very tough for me-not usually in the home setting, but definitely in restaurants. 

In reality, I am walking, running, trekking, biking, and hiking-not as much as I should be, but I am always moving and watching my diet. Being alone, food is my comfort on the road so this has contribute to my weight gain. It comes down to the way I perceive my own self and my self is not defined by weight. I have come to realize my worth as a person and my worth truly is about what is on the inside and not the outside…

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