Saturday, January 14, 2012

1 year Too Late

December 29, 2011

When I made my original plans for India, I was excited for the opportunity to finally meet my Grandmother.  For years, I had planned to come to India, but the plans never made it to the final stages.  I heard about how wonderful my Grandmother and Grandfather were and I knew this from our once meeting when I was fourteen years old. 

For some reason, I believed that she was alive.  I believed that she was going to welcome me with open arms.  I believed that she would love me unconditionally.   I believed that she knew how much I missed her and would forgive me for so many years apart. 

A few days before my trip to Southeast Asia, I received an email from my cousin reminding me that she had passed and would have loved to see me.  He said that every time he was there, she always asked about me.  I was devastated and angry at myself for not coming sooner. I definitely do not recall this information being given to me, but I take full responsibility for not being more involved with my father’s side of the family.  For years, she was waiting for me and for years I did not come.  For years, I held a distant memory of her close to my heart.  I was one year too late and there was no one except myself to blame. 

Coming in on Wednesday, I came just in time for her 11 month ceremony.  I did now know of her ceremony until arriving and was thankful for the fate between myself and my higher power. Beautiful rituals were performed with her picture in between the room of my grandfather and grandmother.  My grandfather passed away in 2005 and that will be a whole other post.
My Aunt said my grandma was a “beautiful soul.” I saw a beautiful soul sitting in front of me as I stared into her eyes and placed a flower at the bottom of her photo.  I followed the religious rites that my Aunt’s performed and I began to cry.  I wanted the chance to meet her, to smile brightly at her, to thank her for existing, to feel affection and love from her, and to be close to her. 

The moment was bittersweet because I was able to participate in my Grandmother’s ceremony, but I thought I was coming in to see my Grandmother alive. People say it is easier to cope with loss when you have not established a strong relationship, but it is never easy because you are left wondering.  Wondering about what could have been. But I have to be thankful for the moment I shared with her during her ceremony.  I love you very much Agi and may your beautiful soul light up the heavens above.  You will always have a piece of my heart=)

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